Wednesday, May 24, 2006


I had a chance today to sit by the river, go for a walk, and do some thinking today.
One thing I thought about was reason, and it's limitations. I have had bad reactions to mystical thinking before. I still do sometimes, but there is a way that I find it to be a deeply wonderful thing. I'm a bit torn between two ways of thinking. My rational mind wants to see everything from a scientific point of view, wanting to explain everything. Maybe I should say logical, not rational, because I don't think that what I'm contrasting this mindset with is irrational. Maybe non-rational, I don't know.
Anyway, back to sitting by the river. I feel an odd attraction to the river, and I have all my life. A sort of fascination. My boyfriend says that I should be attracted to water because I'm a Cancer. Now hold on a minute right here. I am strongly suspicious of astrology. It makes no sense to me that objects out in space influenced by personality by their configuration when I was born. It's illogical. However, the idea has a strange seduction to it. He also says that we (Cancer's that is, he was also born in June) are the "beasts of burden" for other people. This also strikes a chord with me, especially regarding my roomate. (Check previous posts.) Then jumps in the rational part of me that says "Well, yes you can take personality traits that you already know I have and then attribute them to a "sign," but just try to predict what a person is like based on their birth month. You can't do it, unless you just dabble in vagaries that could apply to anyone, and then only remember the bits that were right." Course, I don't tell him that, and I figure I never will. We just think differently about these things, and that is something that attracts me to him. No pressure, just temptation. He tempts me to believe. (Not just astrology, but other things that seem to be a lot closer to reality.) I don't believe in astrology, but maybe I could find some symbolic meaning in all of this . . .

Monday, May 08, 2006

further update

My boyfriend just gave me a call a few minutes ago. So, he is thinking of me after all. This is a good sign.
About the things I said about him before, I don't know if it was completely fair. It was how I was feeling at the moment though. I'm not used to a relationship that didn't involve some sort of communication usually at least every other day. Maybe this is a good thing for me, as this is the longest lasting romantic relationship I've been involved in to date.
I'm still sorting things out here. I love this guy, I have no doubt about that. I'm not sure if a relationship between us would last a lifetime or not though. And I don't need to know right now really, as I'm not in any hurry to jump into any lifetime commitment (I wonder what I'll do if that opportunity presents itself). Right now I'm just holding on and seeing what happens.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

what's going on

It's been a while since I wrote--and I'm sitting at the computer killing time--so I guess it's time for an update.

My roomate and I have been getting along rather better since the last couple of posts. He has improved since we first moved in--though there are still the little quirks like his battery powered alarm system that he insists on having but I seem to always forget to turn off when I get home. And his insisting on always having the door locked, even when I'm home. Couple of times I had to bang on the door for him to let me in because I'd gone outside to do something and he locked the door out of habit. I still don't know for sure if I will stay or move out when the lease is up. Part of it is because I'd like a nicer appartment, though I've also had the idea that a bit of work and spending could improve this one. I don't know what he's do if I left. He's dependent enough on someone else to do laundry, shopping, etc, that he has to either have a roomate willing to do it or else talk his mother into doing all that for him again. (She seemed very relieved when I took over all that stuff.)

As for my boyfriend, I'm not sure exactly what is going on. I called him and left a message on Thursday (or was it Wednesday, I'm not sure) but I've not heard a thing back from him. I know his sister is in town this weekend and that has got to be something to do with it. He's also the busy workaholic, but you'd think he could take just ten minutes out to let me know he thinks of me every couple days. I get the feeling that he is controlling all the interaction in this relationship--I can't get ahold of him when I call and he just calls when he wants. (This week is not the first time this has happened, if it was it wouldn't be a problem.) If the cell phone is broken, there is still a land line when he lives. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens--the ball is in his court, so to speak.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I'm planning to go to my Sangha meeting this morning. It's been a long time, and I haven't been meditating for a couple of months now. Just got the idea yesterday that I'd up and go today.