uncertainty

I'm not feeling real happy right now and I feel like spilling out my feelings. I don't have someone to talk to right now so I guess I'll just spill it out for the whole world to see.

The main thing bugging me is that I found out the mortgage on my new house is going to cost me quite a lot more than I thought it was going to. All these stupid fees. I'm not going quite into it right now, I'm just irritated that I got these mortgage papers in my mail on a Friday night and I can't get any answers to my questions until Monday. Arrrrr!

*Sigh* Ok, I've got that out in writing now and that makes me feel somewhat better.

It's times like this that bring out an odd and hard-to-understand bit about myself. Why do I get all upset and defensive when my tries to tell me about how his uncle knows all about mortgages and how he could give me an estimate of my costs. Maybe it's that I really don't trust that he knows what he's talking about. For some reason I have this really hard time accepting advice from someone unless I have (a lot of) experience that tells me they really know what they are talking about. Like my Dad--I can trust that if I'm out somewhere and my car won't start, I can call him and most of the time he could tell me just what to do to bring the damn engine to life. On some other topics I may be less inclined to listen.

I think another bit of the problem is that I like to figure things out for myself. When someone tries to tell me how to do something, if I have not asked them for their advice, it's like they're telling me "Here I see you are not competent enough to figure it out on your own, so let me set you straight." That just drives me NUTS for some reason.

Hey, all you who have given me well intentioned advice, before you get defensive: I never said it was a rational response. I'm quite sure it isn't. And I probably should be on the giving end of some sincere apologies.

I suppose the flip side of this personality trait is that I do like to figure things out for myself. And if I didn't question so much the things people told me, I'd still be believing odd stuff like the notion that I'm somehow deserving of eternal condemnation because I have not always chosen to do the right thing in every circumstance in my life. Or that I can escape this supposed condemnation by believing really hard that some guy who was God 2,000 years ago died as a sacrifice to God to save me from God's wrath. Oh and that he then rose from the dead and lives in some place outside of space and time called Heaven . . . Well, you get the drift (assuming you don't believe these things yourself).

I have a tenancy to think for myself and question what the authorities have told me.

Not just in religion either . . . I also question political and other authorities. There is just so much lying and corruption in the world it's really hard to know who you can trust. Far as I can tell my best bet is to trust my own powers of reason.

The mortgage is a rough call because I have neither expert knowledge in the area, time or motive or resources to gain this knowledge, nor anyone to talk to with real expert knowledge who is looking out for my interests (and not trying to squeeze money out of me).

Times like this I just have to gather all the limited information I can, and after that just take the plunge into the unknown. Life is just full of uncertainty. It always was.

I know I'll feel better in the morning. I always do.